I Love You, Now Go Away
by mysticxf
Summary: Why Kate can't let herself love Jack the way she knows she wants to.


Lost and its characters belong to those really really messed up folks over in Los Angeles somewhere who like to torture us endlessly.

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I Love You, Now Go Away  
By Mystic  
March 23rd 2006

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To fight was in her nature. She'd been pushing people away from her since she was five. Since she watched her father put his suitcase in the back of an army vehicle and leave. He only had one. All of his important stuff. His clothes, toiletries, not much else. Not even a photo album. Kate sat on a pale green couch in the living room and stared up at a row of thin photo albums on a shelf higher than she could reach. He hadn't even taken one.

She watched Jack approaching slowly, his eyes avoiding hers and she knew he was coming to talk to her. Coming to try and find some warm spot in her heart. It wasn't the first time. It certainly wouldn't be the last. He smiled, let a small chuckle escape as he joked about the ocean and how it wouldn't go away if she stopped looking. There was always that question hanging there, what was she looking for? What was she waiting for?

Maybe she was waiting for someone to save her. She told him she was just thinking about things. It wasn't a lie. Kate tried so hard not to lie to him. But lying was another thing that was in her nature. Since she watched her mom tell a teacher that Kate had just fallen out of a tree when she was six. She lied her hurting away because it was easier to imagine it didn't exist. But she didn't tell Jack about the pain; she never told him what she was thinking about.

She was thinking about him. How he could save her if she let him.

Her lips perked into a forced smile, the way it always did. His body was relaxed as he sat down next to her, comfortable. Like he belonged there. It made her nervous. It'd been too long since she'd had anyone at her side so naturally. Anyone she wanted to sit by her side so desperately. But Kate didn't look at him, she continued staring out. Asked him how his day was going. Jack liked to talk. Kate had lost the urge to talk a long time ago. There wasn't anyone to talk to.

Her gaze found him then, while his hands motioned in the air and his eyebrows moved theatrically above his dark eyes. She watched him shift close to her, bump her shoulder accidentally as he talked. He smiled. Jack told her stories while she nodded, bowed her head, and laughed when it was appropriate. She let him feel wanted because he needed to feel it. Jack needed the connection to her as much as she needed the connection to him. But the thought of it made her angry inside. Made her get up and tell him she had somewhere to be and leave him. She listened to him laugh curtly and stand, shouting out her name.

It was also in her nature to run. It never made life easier, but at least she could breath. She could inhale deeply and exhale slowly and she regained the feeling in her arms. Jack made her claustrophobic in a way Tom never did. Jack could make her stop breathing with a single look, a single pained expression. He could step closer to her and whisper to her angrily and she'd feel her lungs freeze up, the same as he could smile at her and she'd have to remember to breathe.

He called her name again and she turned just slightly and told him she was alright. Some people on the beach watched them. She was used to it. She led him into the jungle because it was more private. Because there she could let him be close, she could let him touch her arm and ask her what was wrong again in that way that made her melt. She could close her eyes and feel him give her a squeeze and say her name. She could kiss him.

Hand around his neck, stomach pressed against him, her knee could brush between his. She could listen to him moan into her mouth, begging her to stop and keep going at the same time. Kate could imagine him naked there, lying with her, loving her. She could imagine a normal life. Kids, dogs, a white Pickett fence. Him coming home from work late, her kissing him on the cheek and accepting his apology.

Falling in love together.

But she'd lose him in the jungle on purpose. Because that kind of love she didn't understand. She'd never understood. Not with her father, not with Wayne, or her mother or Tom. The concept of love could never catch up with her, could never make its way in. Even when Jack cut her off, when he stood in her way and asked her what happened. He wanted to know what he did and she didn't know how to tell him he'd done nothing wrong.

Jack loved her. He'd do anything for her, put up with anything for her, and she didn't understand it. She knew in her heart she felt the same, but she didn't know how to express it, wrap her head around it. Kate couldn't fathom loving Jack the way he needed, wanted, deserved. She couldn't fathom letting him love her the way he wanted. So she pushed him away, fought harder then he did, lied when she had to, and ran when the lies weren't enough.

Because that kind of love she'd never had. It just wasn't in her nature.

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Finis 


End file.
